What ups?

It's been a little while. Sorry y'all. Just haven't felt much like blogging lately. I'm pretty sure that no good can come from blogging, yet I do it anyways. Hypocrite with a capital "H." Yep that'd be me I guess, but in all honesty it's probably most of us.

So my Beauty definitly has a cyst in right breast. She got an ultrasound from her doctor. She's going to be having surgery on the 7th of November to remove it. I'm still nervous as hell about this. I mean how the fuck does a body do this to itself? You want to see true, hardcore fearlessness than you should get to know my fiance. I mean to her it's like nothing's even going on. Like this is routine or some shit. I guess she did have to have a cyst removed way back when she was in 9th grade so this will be the second time but damn if her and I don't deal with this differently.

I don't really act too nervous or stressed outwardly, I mean I don't want her to feel that way. But I let her know how I feel. For like a week she kept promising me that she'd go back to her doctor before she finally did. I'm pretty sure she ended up going more to make me happy than because she felt like she really needed too. I guess I don't know what to say except that it's tough when a loved one has something like this happen to them. You get to thinking all kinds of bad things. "What if she has cancer?" Fuck. I mean I can deal with a lot of things. In my 25 years of life 3 of my friends have already died. 2 by there own hand. 1 of them was one of my best friends in high school. You don't really deal with these things, you just sort of keep moving. There's no way in hell I want to add the love of my life to this list. It's probably selfish of me to say this but between her and me I want to die first. I just don't know what I'd do if I lost her. Thankfully it shouldn't have to come to this. Still, I can't wait for her operation to be over.

Damn. I was going to type something about halloween and how awesome it is. If you didn't know Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's dark. It's got atmosphere. Everything this time of year seems scarier. The parties are awesome. And the candy. As Erin says "Halloween is the only time of year that a girl can dress like a total slut and get away with it." Yeah that's probably a plus too.

Happy Rocktober.

Is there anything worse than the feeling you get when you realize that the way you feel about a person isn't being reciprocated?

The past few weeks have been some of the worst in my life, and I've had some hard weeks. Erin, my fiancee, has a lump in her breast. I'm still holding out hope that it's an infection but her doctor told her that if that's the case than it should go down after a little while. It's been weeks now and it doesn't seem to have gone down. I'm worried that it's a cyst. I know that even if it is a cyst that doesn't mean it's cancer, but that's it. That's the elephant in my room, in my world right now. Erin's doctor told her to wait a few weeks before she made another appointment just to see if the lump goes down. I've been pushing her to get another appointment. She promised me last week that over the weekend she'd make a new one. I'm still waiting for her to do it.

I've been living in a sort of hell of the unknown since this all began.

I'm slowly coming to realize that a friend of mine whom I care about may not feel the same way towards me. I don't mean this in any romantic way, I simply mean that I feel like the friendship me and let's call her Amy have has been more of a one way street. A while ago her and I were very close. Never romantically, that's not the point, and I don't want you to think that. We were just good friends. She helped me through some very tough times in my life, she always seemed to be there for me when I needed and I try to do the same for her.

I know that distance causes all kinds of stress on friendships. And I know that it can be difficult to keep up with phone calls and emails. Believe me, I'm horrible at keeping in touch. My friends are the most patient people in the world because they put up with the wait that can often occur between my emails.

Still, I do my best to return emails, even if they are late. That doesn't seem to be the case with Amy. It's hard for me to think about this because I don't want to think that I've lost a friend, or to think that whom I thought was a friend might have only been so in my head. I barely ever hear from Amy anymore. I still email her but hearing from her seems to occur as often as a blue moon. It makes me wonder does she care? The fact that I care about her makes me want to think that she cares about me but maybe she doesn't? That realization sucks.

The weird thing is her emails used to be really open. I knew how she was doing, what she'd been up to, the last c.d she bought, the best movie she'd seen in a particular month, and all the little things that friends talk about, like what's wrong with the world and how together we can make it better, if just a little bit. I have a problem with talking to about me all the time, I hate this problem, I try to avoid it by just not talking. Part of it's shyness, and part of it's intentional because I don't like to talk about myself but there's the problem when I get one of her emails it's always impersonal, like here I am this person who she knows so much about but she's stopped letting me into her world, I do all the talking, and I feel like I'm talking to myself.

I think when you love someone you can never look at them differently. Whether it's a lover, an ex, a soulmate, a family member, or a friend. The new Band of Horses album has a song on it called "Detlef Schrempf" and the hook had me on the verge of tears when I first heard it, "My eyes can't look at you any other way." I love my all my friends. I would die for the close ones. We all have friends who we haven't talked to since elementry school, I don't think of them as former-friends, I think of them as friends who I just have seen in a long time. Amy is a close friend of mine. No matter what happens between her and I, I will always continue to think of her as my friend, and nothing can change that. It's just the way I am. But talking to yourself isn't the best way to have a conversation. Espcially when your life feels like it's going to hell and you need a friend to talk to.

I got my head above water today.
It was like a breath of fresh air.
Knowing that there's something there.

I got a breath of fresh air today.
Its been a long time.
I've been waiting all my life, it seems.

Its easier to swim, with your head above water.
Its easier to work, with a breath of fresh air.
Its easy to let go, when its always there.

Last year my Fiance, Erin (whom I also call Beauty because that's what she is) found a small lump in her breast. Perhaps the greatest feeling I've ever had was when it was determined that what she had was just some kind of infection. When I heard that news a euphoric rush swept over me like sunlight over the hills.

3 months ago Beauty became my fiance. I had a similiar rush, hell I still feel that way when I think about the fact that she actually said "Yes" to my loser ass. Who knows what she was thinking, right.

2 weeks ago she spent a week in Seattle for her oldest brothers wedding. I would have been with her but I had just made the last payment on her engagement ring and paying 4000 dollars in 3 months is not exactly my idea of fun. Since my checking account got sucker punched by that I wasn't able to get a plane ticket, but that's besides the point. A day or two before she left she once again found a lump in her breast. Since she broke this news to me eveythings slowed down. I feel so powerless and her doctor wasn't very helpful. Beauty visited her doctor last Thursday and he said he was "pretty sure" it was a cyst, but that it might be an infection so she should come back in a few weeks. If the lumps gone down than it's an infection, if it hasn't than it's a cyst. According to her after a few weeks it does not seem to have gone down.

We had a big fight on Thursday night. We never fight but we had one on Thursday. Remember what I said about feeling powerless. I feel like my limps have been cut off and I've lost the ability to talk, just sitting around and watching but not being able to communicate. Yeah I can hear everything going on around me, but I can't respond. I want to yell but all I can do is stir silently. I WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM MY LUNGS OUT AT WHATEVER IT IS THAT'S DONE THIS TO HER.

Our fight was over whether or not she should go seek another doctors opinion. She wants to follow her doctors instructions and plans on going back again at the end of the much. I want, I desperately want, her to go see another doctor who might be more than "pretty sure" of what's going on. I'm scared to death. I love her more than anything on this planet. I can't control what she does nor do I want too, all I want is for her to be ok and to have the knowledge that she is ok. The uncertainty of this is killing. I mean I know a lump can mean all kinds of things, and one of them is cancer. I don't know what I'd do without her. She's only 23 for christs sake. This is not supposed to fucking happen and all I can do is hope that that's not the case.

Since Thursday I've been putting on an optimistic face. I mean that's all I can do right. Besides, me being scared shitless isn't helping her. She's dealing with this fantastically, she's the strongest person I know. I mean I know she's worried but if you were to say she's scared than you obviously don't know her. Me on the otherhand, I'm just trying to keep myself together. Like I said, I'm trying my best to appear strong, but inside my world is crumpling into a heap of the unknown.

My band Scar Tissue had a show last Saturday night. We have another on Thursday. I wanted to cancel the Saturday show and I still want to cancel the Thursday show. I can't. It'll piss her off and I'm not in that business. Beauty loves watching us with her girlfriends and as far as she's concerned the situation is normal. It's not. Saturday's show was the most awful performance of my life. I play with my 2 best friends but I just wasn't feeling anything on Saturday night. My voice is already awful but last night it was worse. My timing was off. I'm just not in a mindset I need to be in for that kind of thing. Hopefully Thursday will be better. I want to be good for her. I want to be great for her. I want to make her feel better. I want her to be better.

If you could please pray/wish/hope/meditate or do whatever you do, please send your postive engery Beauty's way. I don't know if things like that work, but they can't hurt. Let's all hope for great news at the end of this month ok.