I'm in a pretty sour mood at the moment and figured that I'd like to try writing something dark. It's been a while since I did that since I haven't really felt the urge to in sometime. Having the most beautiful girlfriend in the world will do that to a guy. That said something unrelated has rather upset me. Just wrote this up and I'm sure you'll be able to tell since it's not that good.

Alone and confused.
Not good enough for you.
Now just a broken chain.
Two hands that push away.

Just a simple kiss.
How could it lead to this?
Soft whispers that turn to screams.
Things are never what they seem.

Sanity is slipping away
Serenity can not find me.
I don't mind though I'm not okay

Cling to me now, open eyes.
Breaking the bonds that we tied.
Cut through the heart, think I'll die.
Look at me now, open eyes.

Your going to have to forgive the caps here but I don't know how else to express how awesome I feel.

I'M FUCKING RUNNING AGAIN! YES!

*Fist pump*

Back in February I broke the two small toes on my right foot. It's hard to understand how much this affected my life because on the one hand it didn't have any effect at all. But on the other hand it destroyed everything.

I've been running for the past 5 years. I smoked from when I was 13 to just before I turned 20 when I first started running as a way to finally help me quit. The funny thing about starting running is that I seem to have replaced one addiction with another. When I first started I never would have thought that I'd still be doing it now. It's hard to find the words to really describe how much I enjoy simply going for a run. It's not a health thing to me though in some sense it is I suppose. I mean I started it so that I could be healthy and not constantly crave nicotene. I won't lie to you either, the added side effect of running i.e. being more healthy is a plus. Really though running is a stress reliever for me. It's also just uber enjoyable. I love the way it makes me feel. Oh yeah sure the whole sweaty thing when I'm dones isn't the greatest but after I shower I feel like a million bucks.

Isn't it weird how true the statement "You don't realize what you have until it's gone" is? When I was 22 I was in a pretty bad car accident that left me with a broken knee. Luckily my knee wasn't as broken as some people I've met. I was only out of commision for about 7 months and I did have surgery but it wasn't that bad. Still those 7 months were 7 months of hell. I won't tell you how close I was to almost smoking again. Nicotene is evil like that. I'm sure it affects different people differently but for me every once in a while I'll get hit with an intense craving for a cigarette. I haven't had a smoke in 5 and a half years! The craving only lasts for just a second but everytime it hits me I think "Damn. Am I ever going to really get over this?" Luckily this doesn't happen that often but when my knee was broke a few years ago it happened a lot more regularly then before.

Breaking my two toes was worse mentally to me than my knee. I know, I'm strange. The thing is though, with a broken knee I knew I couldn't walk around or do anythign without crutches. With broken toes it's a totally different milkshake. You don't need crutchs. You can still walk around everywhere you want to...but don't try to put too much weight on those babies or you'll feel like you want to cut them off. That's the hard part. It's walking around but not being able to run...to do what I want to. Yeah, I still worked out because since I got into running I totally changed my lifestyle..but I didn't really do to many leg exercises so that I could keep pressure off my toes. They still took forever to heal.

Funny how life is sometimes. The past few weeks have been nothing but stress for me. I started running again last weekend and have everyday but Tuesday. Since I started again it seems like my stress has almost completely disappeared. Just a little 5k course I mapped around the neighborhood as I try to get my legs back. Next week I'll bump up the distance a little bit.

Now if only I didn't have to sing tomorrow at Beauty's brothers wedding. Oh well. I've been practicing and will be meeting the churches piano lady to rehearse with her before the ceremony. I still wish I had more time. It's a sweet song though, "True Companion" by Marc Cohn, and as much as it upsets me that Beauty wasn't given a part in the wedding I'm going to try my best. I hope ya'll have a splendid weekend.

Love and respek.

Gavin

Man.

Life has been hectic in one way or another for way too long now. Bear with me, this is going to be one of those complaining posts that no one enjoys reading.

Beauty's 2 older brothers are both getting married this year. One of them will be next Saturday. Apparently the person who was going to sing at his wedding pulled out though he didn't really give me the specifics as to why. I think it's because Beauty's brother and his fiance have lately been bossy, mean, and altogether uncaring about the people who are just trying to help them. Anyways, he just called me up and asked if I'd sing at his wedding. I hate being put on the spot like that. Let me say that again. I HATE BEING PUT ON THE SPOT LIKE THAT. Of course I'm not going to say no to this guy. It's his wedding. I'd like to someday marry his sister so he'd be my brother in law but I absolutely don't want to sing at this wedding with just under a weeks notice. I mean I'm not that good anyways plus the song isn't one i'm very familiar with. It's called "True Companion" by Marc Cohn. I've heard it before but it must have been like 5 or 6 years ago at least. Now I have to find a copy of it and practice it. Hopefully I won't suck to much. God this is going to be awful. I'm going to try because I don't want to be bad but this is definitly not the most ideal situation.

On top of this Beauty isn't going to be in either of the weddings. I can't believe that they couldn't find something for her, she is there only sister. When I get married you'd better believe that my sister is going to be involved in some way. Hell, I ask my sister what her opinion is on the engagement rings I've looked at. I realize that not everyone is as close to there siblings as I am to mine but at the same time I know that it really hurts Beauty to not be asked to have any part whatsoever in the wedding.

Don't get me wrong, I like her brothers. I get along with them and most of the time they seem like pretty nice people. But this hasn't been handled well. It could have been done so much better. Sorry to not be writing that frequently. Once again I'll end this with...

the future is uncertain, and always near.

It's been a while…was a song by Staind. Remember Staind? I remember the first time I saw their name and thinking that whoever put out their album had a really bad editorial department. So it goes. I'm just glad they called that genre Nu-Metal, versus Post-Metal. Calling something Post-Anything is the quickest way to terminate its future. Like where do you go after post-modernism? Post-post modernism? That's silly…Post-post rock…Post-post punk…Post-post Raisin Bran...

No good can come from this posting...

Where was I.

Oh yeah, it's been a while.

Sorry to not have posted in a while to anyone who happens to actually read this. Funny thing is is that if this is your first time reading it then you don't know that I haven't posted in a while. Oh well, apologies the same.

Had a hectic/fun/strange/exciting and uncertain week last week. Beauty and I have been busy with our new place. I'd say getting busy but than a gentleman never tells does he I'll also say that the coat closet reamins the last unexplored territory for our escapades, I'll leave it up to you to decipher what I mean by that.

I meant to post a lot more today but for some reason this Monday has been really strange. Kinda like we all saw the same dog get hit by a car on the way into work and none of us want to talk about how awful it was. Maybe it's that I'm kinda depressed. It's very possible that in December JS, one of my best friends, will be moving to Arizona. JS is also the bassist for my band Scar Tissue and we've pretty much agreed that if one of us isn't in the band than we'll break up the band, but that's not the point. JS isn't my biological brother but I love him like one.

We've been busy scheduling shows for June and we may yet go into a studio to record a couple of new songs but that's up in air, kinda. Still. I can't help but feel worse then sad everytime I think about not being able to see one of the people most close to me on a regular basis.

I hope your all doing great. I hope you all called your mom's on mothers day and told them how much you loved them.

The future is uncertain and always near.

Gavin

Damn. I can't believe it's already Wednesday. A friend of mine a while ago told me that Wednesday is hump day so Happy Hump Day everyone. I hope you get the humps that your looking for.

Been packing stuff up to move all week. The big day is Friday, and probably saturday too. I can't stand moving. I always hated moving in and out of the dorms as well as when I lived in a fraternity house. Moving in in August, moving all my stuff out in May. I really think I'd rather listen to late 90's pop albums until my ears bled instead of move again. Been in this apartment for almost 2 years now and it's been great. Really. It'll be hard saying goodbye to the place, it always is isn't it? The memories and good times.

Beauty's already dead set on decorating our new place. She picked up some stuff at an antique store. I have no idea what the heck any of it is. I seriously think one thing is an ash tray but she tells me it's for plants. Whatever, she wants to do this and I want her to do whatever she wants. She did pick up a Jackson Pollock print to go along with one that I already owned. Combine those two with a print I have of a claude monet painting and I think it'll give our place a very impressionist feel. I stoked about that. She knows just how to push all of my buttons and I love it when she does.

Tomorrow is the second time I'll be performing at the university of north dakota's memormial union. 6 pm at the Loading Dock room. Once again it's for Beauty's sororiety. There holding a breast cancer research benefit. Contribute 10 dollars and you can get a pink wrist band like mine. Come on, you know you want too. What if I told you all the cool kids had one, would you buy one then, because all the cool kids do have them.

I'm nervous right now. Going to be playing all new songs. It's only going to be like a 25 minute set so 5 or 6 songs only. I'll be ending with a cover song. "Heartbeats" by the Knife but Jose Gonzalez did an amazing acoustic cover and I'll be waxing him. I have a feeling that most people there have never heard that song so I'm hoping to open ears up to new music. The other songs I'm planning on are titled "Strangers Making Eyes," "Lost and found," "Friday night," "Atrophy," and "Too little, too late." Some of the lyrics you've seen if you've been checking out this little blog o'mine.

Well damn. I guess I should quit procrastinating and get back to packing. I hate moving. I think I already said that. Take it easy all. If I don't get a chance to say this sooner then have a great weekend. It's hump day so the weeks all down hill from here.