Last year my Fiance, Erin (whom I also call Beauty because that's what she is) found a small lump in her breast. Perhaps the greatest feeling I've ever had was when it was determined that what she had was just some kind of infection. When I heard that news a euphoric rush swept over me like sunlight over the hills.

3 months ago Beauty became my fiance. I had a similiar rush, hell I still feel that way when I think about the fact that she actually said "Yes" to my loser ass. Who knows what she was thinking, right.

2 weeks ago she spent a week in Seattle for her oldest brothers wedding. I would have been with her but I had just made the last payment on her engagement ring and paying 4000 dollars in 3 months is not exactly my idea of fun. Since my checking account got sucker punched by that I wasn't able to get a plane ticket, but that's besides the point. A day or two before she left she once again found a lump in her breast. Since she broke this news to me eveythings slowed down. I feel so powerless and her doctor wasn't very helpful. Beauty visited her doctor last Thursday and he said he was "pretty sure" it was a cyst, but that it might be an infection so she should come back in a few weeks. If the lumps gone down than it's an infection, if it hasn't than it's a cyst. According to her after a few weeks it does not seem to have gone down.

We had a big fight on Thursday night. We never fight but we had one on Thursday. Remember what I said about feeling powerless. I feel like my limps have been cut off and I've lost the ability to talk, just sitting around and watching but not being able to communicate. Yeah I can hear everything going on around me, but I can't respond. I want to yell but all I can do is stir silently. I WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM MY LUNGS OUT AT WHATEVER IT IS THAT'S DONE THIS TO HER.

Our fight was over whether or not she should go seek another doctors opinion. She wants to follow her doctors instructions and plans on going back again at the end of the much. I want, I desperately want, her to go see another doctor who might be more than "pretty sure" of what's going on. I'm scared to death. I love her more than anything on this planet. I can't control what she does nor do I want too, all I want is for her to be ok and to have the knowledge that she is ok. The uncertainty of this is killing. I mean I know a lump can mean all kinds of things, and one of them is cancer. I don't know what I'd do without her. She's only 23 for christs sake. This is not supposed to fucking happen and all I can do is hope that that's not the case.

Since Thursday I've been putting on an optimistic face. I mean that's all I can do right. Besides, me being scared shitless isn't helping her. She's dealing with this fantastically, she's the strongest person I know. I mean I know she's worried but if you were to say she's scared than you obviously don't know her. Me on the otherhand, I'm just trying to keep myself together. Like I said, I'm trying my best to appear strong, but inside my world is crumpling into a heap of the unknown.

My band Scar Tissue had a show last Saturday night. We have another on Thursday. I wanted to cancel the Saturday show and I still want to cancel the Thursday show. I can't. It'll piss her off and I'm not in that business. Beauty loves watching us with her girlfriends and as far as she's concerned the situation is normal. It's not. Saturday's show was the most awful performance of my life. I play with my 2 best friends but I just wasn't feeling anything on Saturday night. My voice is already awful but last night it was worse. My timing was off. I'm just not in a mindset I need to be in for that kind of thing. Hopefully Thursday will be better. I want to be good for her. I want to be great for her. I want to make her feel better. I want her to be better.

If you could please pray/wish/hope/meditate or do whatever you do, please send your postive engery Beauty's way. I don't know if things like that work, but they can't hurt. Let's all hope for great news at the end of this month ok.